Victoria Beckham is a Comedy Goddess
On the Beckham reviews and the best reality TV movie of all time
Like many people with a Netflix account, I watched the Beckham documentary a couple of weeks ago. Like many viewers, I found the documentary to be well edited and engaging, especially with the Succession-style classical music in the background. Who knew soccer (or should I say “football” now) could be so high stakes and dramatic? I’m speaking as someone who knows nothing of soccer (football?), even though I’ve been a soccer mom for the past five years. I can’t seem to say football yet. Apologies to my UK and European readers.
I’ve been reading the papers here in the UK and some reporters are suggesting this documentary could elevate the Beckhams’ status even more1 and perhaps give David a shot at knighthood. I’m not sure if knight– or damehood is something you can campaign for, I know nothing of this world. One thing’s for sure, the documentary did highlight the soccer star’s athletic achievements and contributions to his nation. I learned things about… the World Cup and the Champions League? Manchester United? Stuff like that. Other topics that were discussed were how mean and abusive the press (and The People) can be and David’s infamous cheating allegations when he played for Madrid in 2004.
The best part of the documentary, in my opinion, was all the parts where Victoria Beckham spoke to the camera. As I said, I’m not much of a soccer gal. But I’m a Spice Girl at heart and I live for anything and everything that is related to that time between 1996 and 1998 when I was obsessed with the biggest girl band of all time. Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, aka Victoria Addams before she married David, is one of the entertainment industry’s best kept secrets. That woman is hilarious and always has been. Have you seen her in the Spice World movie? Have you seen her clip Victoria Beckham: A Decade of Elegance for British Vogue? Am I the only person who remembers her reality TV movie Victoria Beckham: Coming to America? Please tell me you remember too. Let me refresh your memory:
EXHIBIT A - Victoria Beckham: A Decade of Elegance clip (2018)
Victoria, wearing a white towel on her head and matching silk robe, is interviewed by British Vogue to celebrate the tenth anniversary of her clothing line.
Interviewer: Victoria, do you want to tell us what we’re doing today?
Victoria Beckham: Today we’re here at Vogue and we are shooting a cover story celebrating the rich and inspiring history of one of the most enduring style icons of all time. (beat) Me. Victoria Beckham.
EXHIBIT B - Victoria confronts Perez Hilton in Victoria Beckham: Coming to America (2007)
Victoria seeks out celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton at a Los Angeles café to “sort that bad boy out” for calling her names online. After shaking hands, a nervous Perez heads to the counter to get something for Victoria.
Perez Hilton: I brought you a cookie.
Victoria Beckham: Oh, thank you very much.
Perez Hilton: I want to see you eat it.
Victoria Beckham: Oh no, I can’t. I don’t want to ruin my image. I don’t want to be seen smiling, having fun or eating.
EXHIBIT C - Victoria attends a welcome luncheon in Beverly Hills in Victoria Beckham: Coming to America (2007)
A group of Beverly Hills socialites invite Victoria over to one of their mansions for a welcome luncheon. The hostess greets Victoria on the front steps and welcomes her inside. The mansion’s interiors are a hot mess of picture frames, over-the-top golden embellishments and untamed plants.
Victoria Beckham (V.O.): As soon as I walked into that room, I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, pass out or get on the next flight home.
A beat.
Victoria Beckham: Did you decorate yourself?
Hostess: Umm, yes I did.
Victoria Beckham **silent**
… And let’s not forget the dolphin call scene moments later.
Victoria is drinking champagne with the socialites in the living room. An older woman in a blue suit and 47 layers of red lipstick claims to have a special talent. This sequence vacillates between the traditional reality TV confessional scene and the action scene.
Victoria Beckham (confessional scene): One lady at the luncheon, she had on like a powder blue trouser suit. She was major.
Woman: Well I think of myself as a kind of mermaid.
Victoria Beckham: Great.
Victoria Beckham (confessional scene): She obviously had a big time blow dry. She was fabulous.
Woman: I’d like to do my dolphin call for you—
Victoria: Okay!
Woman: —because nobody believes I can do it until I do it. Who wants to hear it?
Other socialites: Do it!
Woman: A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AAAAA!
CUT TO: Victoria’s mouth falls open.
Woman (continued): A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AAAAAA!
Victoria Beckham: That’s fantastic.
Woman: It means welcome to L.A.
Victoria Beckham (confessional scene): I just figured, okay. There’s only one way to go from here. Let’s get them all drunk.
Victoria Beckham is a comedy goddess. She always pokes fun at herself. She has excellent timing and delivery. There’s this expression we use in French, “pince sans rire.” I’m not sure what the equivalent is in English. It means someone who keeps a straight face while making jokes. Is this what “deadpan” means? Sorry, bilingual brain over here. Anyways. It seems like everybody on Instagram has just realized how funny Vicky is. Memes and clips of the Beckham documentary have been making the rounds online and everybody is obsessed with her now. Or so I thought.
I was reading The Sunday Times two weekends ago and one columnist described the Beckhams as “humourless, unhappy and grating2.” More disparaging things were written with the intention of sounding witty, but when I read what the columnist said about Vicky, my mouth fell open as if I were hearing a Beverly Hills socialite calling for dolphins:
“Interview her for more than two minutes, though, and you will see what a charmless, empty gobshite3 she actually is. Not a single thing that came out of her mouth wasn’t stupid, offensive or simply grating.” OUCH. Degrading. Mean-spirited. Not nice at all. Prince Harry was right. The UK press can indeed be ruthless.
Call Victoria Beckham what you want (actually, no, don’t be mean!). But don’t call that woman humourless. Now that is offensive.
From what I understand, the Beckhams have always been huge in the UK. Hugely adored or hugely hated, depending on the national mood.
Btw, “grating” means irritating. I had to look it up.
I’m really not used to British expressions. So according to Google, “gobshite” means incompetent and foolish.
Allô Michelle! I enjoyed reading about Victoria Beckham. I don't know anything about the Spice Girls except for Sarah Brightman, the soprano diva. I had heard a long time that she was one of the first Spice Girls. However, when I Google her name and Spice Girls, I can't find any info on that. Would you know Michelle?
Ah oui! According to my bilingual background, "pince-sans-rire" was usually referred to as dry humour, even "British" humour!