Every type of person on Facebook Marketplace

And bracing for rocks from outer space?

Photo by NASA Hubble Space Telescope on Unsplash

I wouldn’t call it trauma. Trauma is a strong word. It’s like “hate,” a word my mother told me to never use as a child. I can’t remember why she discouraged me from saying it, but it was probably related to me being dramatic. “You can dislike something or a person,” she would say. “But don’t hate.”

Nowadays I love using the word “hate.”

I hate juice!

I hate waiting in line for brunch!

I hate period cramps. They’re the worst.

A couple of days before my wedding—this was over a decade ago—I went to Sephora to get my makeup done. It was a last-minute trial session. I was planning on doing it myself just like Kate Middleton reportedly did, but I’d been told it was imperative that I resort to a professional on my big day (hate that expression) or else I’d regret it forever. When the makeup artist, a twenty-something blonde with amazing taste in silver rings, brought a hand mirror to my face, I didn’t recognize the porcelain doll in the reflection.

“I hate it,” I said.

“You know what?” He replied. “I hate it too!”

Moral of the story: BB cream is the solution to everything. Or more specifically: you can do your own makeup on your wedding day. It’s just too bad you didn’t wax your forearms beforehand, because they’re the real issue in your wedding pictures.

I wouldn’t qualify selling all my London furniture and housewares on Facebook Marketplace traumatic. It wasn’t a deeply distressing or disturbing event. But it was more than a mere dislike. It left a mark. It has infused me with a certain level of dread and wariness that is hard to explain. A certain exhaustion.

The thought of selling an item on Facebook Marketplace again makes me feel like I’m Elijah Wood desperately trying to make his way to higher ground with Leelee Sobieski (and baby) before a gigantic comet hits Earth and causes mass extinction. In other words, dealing with people on Facebook Marketplace makes me feel like I should brace for a very big, very Deep Impact.

You don’t know what the comet is going to feel like until it hits you.

As it turns out, there are five types of comets. I’ve listed them here for you.

EVERY TYPE OF COMET PERSON ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE

The Impatient Comet

FOR SALE: CUISINART FOOD PROCESSOR

DESCRIPTION: Small food processor from Cuisinart. Less than a year old and used only a couple of times. In excellent condition. Selling for £30. Cash on collection.

INCOMING MESSAGE (10:02:01): Is this available

INCOMING MESSAGE (10:02:03): Hello

INCOMING MESSAGE (10:02:04): ?

INCOMING MESSAGE (10:02:05): ?

INCOMING MESSAGE (10:02:06): ??

INCOMING MESSAGE (10:02:07): ???

The Skimmer Comet

FOR SALE: IKEA KLEPPSTAD BED FRAME

DESCRIPTION: I’m selling my white IKEA metal bed frame. Dimensions are 30cmx200cmx150cm. In excellent condition with no scratches and less than a year old. Selling for £90. Cash on collection. Sorry, no deliveries.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Dimensions please.

The Audacious Comet

FOR SALE: HABITAT MID CENTURY MODERN STYLE ARMCHAIR (FOREST GREEN)

DESCRIPTION: Lovely forest green armchair for sale. Original price £260. Selling for £120 as it’s in excellent condition and less than a year old. Pet and smoke free home. Cash on collection. Pick up only.

INCOMING MESSAGE: I’ll give you £30

The Scammer Comet

FOR SALE: Vintage coffee table by GPlan

DESCRIPTION: Beautiful teak coffee table from the 1960s. Made in England by furniture maker GPlan. Dimensions are 16x54x20 inches. Selling for £140. In good condition with some scratches on the top. Cash on collection. Pick up only.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Hi I would like to buy the coffee table.

ME: Hello! Great! When would you like to collect it?

INCOMING MESSAGE: I’m too busy at work to come but I can send a courrier with Mundial Relay.

ME: Ok…

INCOMING MESSAGE: Please provide your email address and full name & address so I can send you the payment.

ME: You know what? I can hold the item for you. You can come whenever you’re free to collect it in person.

INCOMING MESSAGE: I see this is your first time using Mundial Relay. You do not have to worry. Mundial Relay is very safe and secure. I have used it many times. Please provide your email address, full name & address so I can send you an electronic payment.

ME: **block and delete**

The Ghost Comet

FOR SALE: Heated airer (like new!)

DESCRIPTION: Heated laundry airer for sale, less than a year old. Purchased from Argos. Selling for £20. Cash on collection.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Hi, is this still available?

ME: Hi! Yes it is

INCOMING MESSAGE: Can I collect tomorrow afternoon? At 2pm?

ME: Yes that works.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Address please?

ME: Here it is. Can you please ring flat 17 when you arrive? I can meet you downstairs.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Yes no problem. See you tomorrow.

NEXT DAY, 2PM.

…

ME (2:30 PM): Hi, are you near?

**Ghost Comet sees message.**

ME (2:45 PM): Can you please confirm if you’re on your way?

**Ghost Comet sees message.**

ME (3:00 PM): Hello? Please just a yes or no. If you changed your mind it’s okay, I’ll sell it to someone else.

**Ghost Comet sees message.**

The Flirtatious (or Murderous?) Comet

FOR SALE: POP CORN MAKER, LESS THAN A YEAR OLD

DESCRIPTION: Red and black pop corn machine for sale. In excellent condition, less than a year old. Selling for £10. Paid £50, selling due to moving abroad. Cash on collection. Pick up only!

INCOMING MESSAGE: Hey love

ME: Hi!

INCOMING MESSAGE: Is this still available?

ME: Yes.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Cool. I’ll collect it today.

ME: Perfect! Here’s my address.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Give me ur number so we can continue this conversation on Whatsapp.

ME: Okay.

….

ME: Actually, why do you need my number? We can just use Messenger.

INCOMING MESSAGE: Just give me ur number

ME: I’d rather not. What time will you be collecting the pop corn maker?

….

ME: Hello?

…

ME: **block and delete**

Imagine selling every piece of furniture in your house, including items like dishes, cutlery, a TV, plants, carpets, a vacuum, etc… Basically everything that makes a house a home except for love and books. Now multiply that by dozens, and sometimes hundreds of messages for each item (hello IKEA folding bistro chair set).

Yeah. Too bad I didn’t have a helicopter to whisk me away to an undisclosed bunker.

I think I hate Facebook Marketplace now.