December Brain Rot

Escaping into Hallmark-style Christmas movies because there is no other choice

Photo by Damian McCoig on Unsplash

I’m on the couch with my eyes glued to the tiny screen in my hand. Victoria Beckham is fresh out of the shower with a white towel on her head. It’s so cold in London right now and when it’s cold, her skin feels sad. Her face is bare except for her eyebrows. She doesn’t like to be seen without her eyebrows on. If she’s being really honest, Victoria Beckham doesn’t feel like herself. But all that is about to change, because she’s going to teach me how to achieve her winter glow. First, the product she’s obsessed with: The Cell Rejuvenating Illuminator. It’s formulated with Augustinus Bader’s TFC8 and it gives the most incredible glow. It’s a lifesaver.

“MOM!” my kid interrupts, pulling me out of hypnosis. “You know what you’re doing is called brain rot, right?”

“Yes,” I answer. “I am one hundred percent immersed in brain rot.”

I stand by my beloved brain rotting activities. That’s what I call “grace.” December has been a lot. It always is. Sometimes you don’t have the energy to take care of yourself. Hanging on to survival is the only way through. To me, survival this month looks like watching Victoria Beckham apply bronzer to her cheekbones and enjoying Hallmark-style Christmas movies, a recent and surprising obsession.

In the last couple of weeks I have watched:

• A Castle for Christmas: a recently cancelled bestselling author (Brooke Shields) buys a Duke’s rundown Scottish castle. The Duke acts like a jerk because he’s sad about losing his beloved castle. Thankfully Brooke Shields melts the Duke’s ice cold heart and they fall in love, living happily ever after in the castle.

• A Merry Little Ex-Mas: two exes living in a small town experience their first Christmas with their families as a separated couple and fall back in love despite bringing new partners to the Christmas festivities. Jealousy: it’s the Christmas miracle that brings exes back together.

• The Merry Gentlemen: a former broadway dancer returns to her hometown and tries to save her parent’s tavern by putting on a festive male revue (stripper show) and falls in love with one of the strippers, who is coincidentally the town’s handy man.

• A Sprinkle of Christmas: a baker in a small town receives a terrible online review and engages in an online commenting war with the anonymous reviewer. They fall in love online and unknowingly, in real life too. The anonymous reviewer turns out to be the movie star she’s been catering for.

• Champagne Problems: a workaholic American investment exec flies to France to buy a champagne brand and falls in love with a handsome Parisian who hates his father and dreams of opening a bookstore. The Parisian turns out to be the founder’s son and after a heartbreaking dark night of the soul moment, the workaholic exec kills the champagne deal, quits her terrible investment job and opens a bookstore with her new love.

• My Secret Santa: a desperate single mom in a small town gets a job dressing up as Santa Claus, Mrs Doubtfire-style, at the local ski resort so she can afford snowboarding lessons for her daughter. She falls in love with the hotel General Manager, and he does too, despite the betrayal of her true identity being revealed.

Yes, I’ve given away all the spoilers, but have I really? The thing with these movies is that you know exactly what will happen every step of the way. There are no real plot twists. And they are perfect brain rot material because they are predictable, satisfying and safe. I hated A Sprinkle of Christmas. I think my favourite were The Merry Gentlemen (hehe) and A Caste for Christmas, because one day I’d like to become a cancelled author who buys a Scottish castle on a whim.

I’m writing these words with a sick kid on my lap, so it’s time for me to sign off. I hope to write to you again before the end of the year. Until then, wishing you a restful, happy holiday season and plenty of brain rot if that’s what you need.

Take care,

Michelle