If you had the opportunity to spend a couple of days in the South of France, what would you do? How would you spend your days? Would you:
a) enjoy a coffee and croissant on a cute little terrasse?
b) explore the labyrinth-like streets of a centuries-old city?
c) observe museum masterpieces by iconic painters like Paul Cézanne?
d) stay in your Airbnb and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you answered “d,” great! We have the same issues interests.
Yes, I’m exaggerating. I’ve done all of the above in small doses, except for “d,” which I’ve done profusely and unapologetically. I’ve also been writing things in my journal, like “Am I a poet?” and “Maybe these new hoop earrings will give me special powers. I want to be more fearless.” It’s okay if you’re rolling your eyes at this. Melodrama and constant introspection are very much a part of my DNA and it’s easier to just own it instead of pretending to be someone else.
In case you didn’t know—but I’m sure you do because I’ve been shouting it from the rooftops and making it my entire personality for the last eight months—I moved to London last summer. My husband had the opportunity to move there for work, and we took it. We’d been living in Montreal since 2010, and the time felt right to try something new. Also, I was hungry for new writing material, and London sounded like the perfect juicy steak to sink my teeth in.
What exactly did I expect from London?
Rain = CHECK ✓, but not as much as I expected
Discomfort from having to re-learn how to get around and function in a new country = CHECK ✓, if discomfort means crying on a busy sidewalk and feeling angry 50% of the time
As many M&S Food visits as I want = CHECK ✓, I’m so grateful
Royal sightings (a casual run-in with Princess Eugenie or Beatrice at Whole Foods in Kensington?) = NOT CHECK ✘, I’m not even mentioning Kate because she lives in Windsor
personal growth so exponential and profound, that I’d have all the answers I needed about my future = NOT CHECK ✘, nothing to add here
There’s a saying that my friend and I tell each other all the time: Wherever you go, there you are. No matter where you go, your quirks, fears and neuroses will follow you like a shadow. Changing environments and new experiences can certainly contribute to personal evolution, but they don’t fix anything. They’re additional brush strokes to the canvas that is your Self. An infusion of colour that mix with the older layers beneath.
I know I’ve evolved since moving. How could I not? I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to learn and adapt to new environments. I’ve seen places I’ve never been to before. I’ve observed art and culture different than my own. I’m also the same in so many ways.
I still sleep with 2-3 pillows to avoid throwing up every night. I haven’t thrown up in years but somehow if I don’t perform this nightly ritual, there’s a chance I might throw up and we can’t have that because then I might choke and die. I still experience the pangs of anxiety in my stomach, even when visiting a beautiful English city with ancient Roman baths. I still clench my teeth and get ear cramps. I still seek validation (but not as much as I used to). My body still limits me in ways others don’t understand because they don’t have the same internal battery as I do. I still have phases where I feel lost and don’t trust “the process” of making art, even when London provides great writing material. I still resort to watching TV as a coping mechanism for change instead of soaking in the experience of the SOUTH OF FRANCE.
Wherever you go, there you are babe. There you are. Who said you had to slay your inner vampires?
NEW! Obsession of the week
Making collage poems, specifically poetry Reels on Instagram. What are poetry Reels? I create a video with a static image of my collage poem and add dramatic music in the background (lol). So I’m basically making Stories that don’t disappear after 24 hours. I’ve also tested a format where I add a new poetry line in each video frame, making it a more dynamic experience (see video below!). You can view these attempts at making Reels on my Instagram account. Anyways, OBSESSED.
See you next week!
Merci Michelle ! J'aime ça ! J'aime la belle photo des toits en terre cuite de Provence pour commencer, tes réflexions (toujours aussi philosophiques et drôles en même temps !) et le beau poème version "poetry reel" en dernier. Comme tjrs, ton newsletter m'emmène ailleurs et me fait faire des petits tours de l'imaginaire et du "émotion--scape" (je viens de créer ce mot) qui ressort du tien et qui me fait voyager dans le mien. Enfin, je m'attarde sur la virgule de ton poème qui suit le dernier mot "aliveness" (,) ... Je suis sûre que c'était intentionnel de ta part. Tes paroles restent en suspens peut-être ? "Hang in there my dear!"