A Completely True and Tested Scene from a Marriage
Extremely hot and unedited!
INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
An unremarkable room with a black iron bed from Wayfair. An IKEA outdoor folding chair used as a nightstand with a mushroom-shaped lamp… the kind you touch to dim and turn on, so very cool and fun. Leopard-print flip flops on the carpet floor. On the bed, a WIFE, late thirties, baby pink pjs, kneeling. She’s holding something in her hand… some sort of tube.
She looks to her HUSBAND, late thirties, moustache, wearing boxers and a t-shirt. He’s standing by the bed.
WIFE
Come here baby.
HUSBAND
I don’t know about this.
WIFE
Take off your shirt.
The Husband takes off his shirt, revealing thick dark chest hair. Kind of like a millennial Tom Selleck.
WIFE
You’re so hot.
He approaches the Wife, who’s brandishing the orange and silver tube. He lies down on the bed on his stomach. The Wife straddles him.
She pops the lid off the tube and squeezes a translucent cream onto the Husband’s back.
He jerks his body.
HUSBAND
Aaaaaaaah!! It’s cold!
WIFE
I’ll warm you up, don’t you worry.
She proceeds to massage the Husband. He’s uncomfortable, moving constantly. He doesn’t like massages. In fact, he’s never been massaged—ever—in his life. Too bad, because the writer of this scene really, really needs a massage. And osteopathy. Acupuncture too. And while we’re at it, why not a facial and some craniosacral therapy for good measure.
WIFE (cont’d)
Babe you have to relax.
She’s rubbing the translucent cream on the Husband’s back, using her thumbs to really get into it, especially his right shoulder blade.
HUSBAND
Aaaaaaaaah!! No. I can’t.
He tries to get up.
WIFE
Stop moving! You need this.
HUSBAND
Honestly I’ve had enough. Thank you.
WIFE
But you’re so tense!
HUSBAND
I’m done. Thank you.
He gets up and puts his shirt back on.
A beat.
WIFE
Fine.
She takes her pj shirt off, revealing two, sagging post-breastfeeding breasts.
She hands the silver and orange tube to the Husband. The name of the product is revealed… It’s VOLTAREN emugel for back and muscle pain.
WIFE (cont’d)
Can you do me now please? I’m two false moves away from torticollis.
HUSBAND
Sure thing!
THE END
Obsessions of the week
B**** the V****** S*****
This week I’m focusing on grounding myself as much as I can. It’s a busy time of year with lots going on, so I’ve been taking care of myself by limiting my screen time and reading more before bed. I only watched 2 episodes of that show I didn’t name in point #1. I just finished Strong Female Character by Fern Brady, which is a memoir about a Scottish stand-up comedian’s experience with (undiagnosed to diagnosed) autism. I came across I’ll Just Be Five More Minutes (And Other Tales from my ADHD Brain) by Emily Harris at the library the other day, so I picked it up and I’m enjoying it so far. I’ve also been trying to get as much sleep as possible, but the other night I went out with some moms from my kid’s school, which was nice because I never leave my house, and that ONE margarita I had f*cked me up for two days. I slept awful and my gut showed me who’s boss the following day, so I will refrain from margaritas from now on, or until I’m offered a glass of that delicious peridot-coloured juice with slices of jalapeños floating on top like emerald jewels.
See you next week!
I started reading and I was like "wait a sec, this is getting spicy!" 🫣 😆
To be honest, Voltaren has been a really good friend of mine for a few years now 😜
Ha! Ha! Thanks Michelle! C'est trop drôle ! Moi aussi j'ai commencé à recevoir des massages (de la part de professionnels) à l'âge de 36-37 ans. Quel bonheur ! J'avais vraiment mal au dos et à la nuque et je vivais beaucoup de stress depuis des années. Au fait, j'aurais bénéficié de massages beaucoup plus jeune, si ceux-ci n'avaient pas été aussi coûteux.
Je dis "recevoir des massages" parce que c'est moi qui en donnait, sans avoir de formation professionnelle. En retour, quand les bénéficiaires de mes massages me proposaient de me "frotter la nuque" par exemple, leurs gestes demeuraient brusques et rapides et je ressentais l'impatience dans leurs mains et leurs doigts--ça n'avait rien d'un massage et ça durait à peine quelques minutes ! (Je pense à mon entourage de famille au féminin ici.)
Michelle, tu m'as tenue en haleine en évoquant le tube orange et argenté. Je pensais que tu allais décrire une scène très "conjugale", tu sais ?! Je me disais, OK, Michelle, devientrait-elle "kinky" ? Excuse-moi Michelle !
Savais-tu que le Voltaren existe en bleu et argenté ? Celui-ci est extra-fort. On ne peut pas l'acheter en vente libre sur les rayons de la pharmacie; il faut demander au comptoir des ordonnances. Peut-être que tu l'as déjà essayé ? Je pense tout de même que l'efficacité du Voltaren s'accroît quand quelqu'un nous touche et nous offre un (bon) massage.
Ceci étant dit, je vais appliquer du Voltaren sur mes épaules et la nuque à l'instant ! Je te souhaite des bonnes lectures et plusieurs autres massages !